Let Me TRUST You - SSZE_A501
-Inu

-Story Title: 5 out of 5 points. Your title is interesting. It doesn't give anything away. 

-Description/Foreword: 7 out of 10 points. Your description and foreword are not bad but it could be better. You introduced the characters and part of the plot but a summary of the story would help you get more readers.


-Poster/Appearance/First impression(ex. Font style, color, pics, etc.): 10 out of 10 points. Our poster, and the whole appearance of your story is great. It is easy to read the words and the poster looks good.


-Plot: 15 out of 20 points. Your plot has been used by other people but not to the point where it has been overused. It feels like you are hurrying a bit but it's not too obvious. So far, you have done a good job.


-Character Development and Dialogue: 13 out of 15 points. The dialogue in your story is good but you should work on the spacing. Some of the dialogue text seems too detached from the other text. The personality of your characters are as you described in the foreword. So good job!


-Writing Style: 8 out of 25 points. It was very hard to give you a score here. First of all, I recommend that you get a beta or someone that will edit your writing. I don't know if English is your native language or not but you have a lot of grammar and spelling errors. The errors make hard to read especially yo pick readers. For example, you wrote 

"Just think the Jotwins as total oppisite to eachother."

Instead of that, you could write: 

"Just think of the twins as total opposites of each other"

I wish that I could point out all your errors but I can't. I will point out that you can use other points of views as long as you point it out to the reader. Not everything has to be in he, or him.


Overall enjoyment: 8 out of 15 points. This was hard to read but your idea is good. As I said, find someone that is willing to edit your story. That person can hopefully fix most, if not all your grammar and spelling errors. That alone may get you more readers and subscribers. Try experimenting with different points of view, you might find that this gives you freedom and enjoyment as a writer.


Total: 66 out of 100 points

In Love With an Idol - FanFicWriter20
-Inu

-Story Title: 5 out of 5 points. Your title is catchy and it attracts attention. At the same, it gives away what your story is going to be about. It is a good title. It let's reader know that in your story, there will probably be drama.


-Description/Foreword: 4 out of 10 points. Your description is good. It tells what your story is going to be about and at the same time it gives an insight to the personality of your original character. In your foreword, you promoted your other stories and that is fine but the fact that it is big and red can be a problem. After read both, the foreword and description, I couldn't remember what your description said but I remembered you promoting your other stories. The foreword takes attention from your description and you are trying to catch the readers attention for "In Love With an Idol." If they like your story enough, they will check out your other stories without you having to tell them.


-Poster/Appearance/First impression(ex. Font style, color, pics, etc.): 5 out of 10 points. The poster is great. Yet your author's notes keep stealing the attention. Try a simple divider line and a different font or color, what you did in the last chapter you have posted is great. There is no need for you to make the font a bigger size than your actual story. Also you can also use italics for the inner thoughts of the characters.


-Plot: 17 out of 20 points. Your plot is somewhat original yet I am sure I have seen more that a few stories where the main character falls in love with an idol, or where they end up as the neighbor of an idol. This plot has been used over and over again but you gave it a twist. It was a little predictable that your character was in love with someone but again you added a twist to the plot which has set your story apart.


-Character Development and Dialogue: 13 out of 15 points. The way that characterize your characters is interesting. Your original character's personality is well-developed. Your other characters are different. They lack a bit of development.


-Writing Style: 22 out of 25 points. Your style is good yet the macros that you shared interrupt the story instead of helping. If you really did want to share the macros, okay but do it before starting the chapter or at the end. Not in the middle because if can throw off your readers. Your story doesn't seemed rush which is good. Try to use italics or something to point out the character's inner thoughts. For example in chapter 4, you have that the character thinks that,

Oh! Isn't he Taemin? I saw him in the magazine! OMGAH! HE'S EVEN CUTER IN REAL LIFE! I want to pinch his cheeks so badly! No! Ae Ri, restrain yourself! You can't freak people out.

Instead, try 'Oh! Isn't he Taemin? I saw him in the magazine! OMGAH! HE'S EVEN CUTER IN REAL LIFE! I want to pinch his cheeks so badly! No! Ae Ri, restrain yourself! You can't freak people out.'

or use italics. Another thing is that the POV changes are so often and you do distinguish them but I don't think it is enough. As I was reading, I kept forgetting who's POV it was, so aside of having the POV underlined and bold try to make the font bigger and you can highlight it. You could even assign each character a color.


Overall enjoyment: 12 out of 15 points. Your characters lack a bit and seem too exaggerated. For example, Taemin is a five year old on a sugar rush and it can kind of annoying. From there, the story good. You added your own twist and it has good grammar a good writing style.


Total: 78 out of 100 points

story link

Reviewer: Describe

Title: 2/5

I'm sorry for the low mark, but there is absolutely no need to put that 3 dots at the back of your title. It ruins the professionalism there. Also, capitalise the first letter of each word. 'As Long As You're Happy'. The title itself is not very eye catching nor unique. From my first impression of the title, it is rather obvious that a character will give up something to his or her lover, just to make him or her happy. Change it to something more unique and more relevant to the story plot. Maybe like 'Running For Love'?

Poster: 1.5/5

This poster only shows the main characters of the fiction, and the title isn't even that outstanding. Add a quote below to give readers a better idea of what would happen in the fiction. The photos of the characters are also rather low quality. It doesn't capture the attention of readers, which defeats the purpose of having a poster there. I suggest you can request for another poster! :D

Description and Foreword: 8/10

Congratulations on using both segments correctly!

I have given your description a 4.5 mark. Well done! The 0.5 mark is lost due to a minor grammar mistake. I love your description, it makes me want to find out more on the description. (:

For your foreword, I have rewarded you with a 3.5 mark. Do put who's point of view the foreword is in. Anyway, maybe you'll like to put a 'preview' as the header. It causes readers to think that the story actually continues from there, which has slightly confused me. Also, you may want to add a brief introduction of the main characters, but at the same time not revealing too much about the plot. Overall, the content of your foreword is intriguing!

Characterisation: 12/15

I liked Yejin's bubbly character you have brought up in your fiction, but try to bring out more of this personality in this character. Oh yes, and the cursing part in the airport scene is rather contradicting to the character. I understand that you have already explained why she had cursed, but maybe you can replace it with a cute curse, like 'Oh my mama!' or something like that? For Eunhyeon, you have mentioned in your fiction that she hates to hear Yejin's high pitched voice, and she did not want her to go to Seoul with her (as seen from chapter 2). Then why are they still best friends? It's rather contradicting. During chapter 1, I felt how wronged Eungyeon felt and wanted to kill the step-mom, literally. However, you can bring out even more feelings in the character. Maybe like:

I touched my lips and felt the familiar texture. Blood. Even though I got used to such torture, it had still hurt. Biting my lips, I tasted my own blood. I felt like breaking down, letting my tears flow freely. But no, not in front of this bitch. She did not deserve my tears. I shut my eyes, choked back my emotions and continued to endure the pain.

As a result, I've deducted 3 marks from your characterisation, you still got a high mark! (:

Plot originality: 11/15

I loved your plot! It's not too ordinary, but there are still cliché parts here are there. Many fictions have their characters' parents being drunkards and mistreating their children. What I liked about your plot is about using this cliche idea to get a rather original flow, which in your fiction's case, is running away and having a new life. I deducted 4 marks because of the cliché parts and also it's rather obvious they're going to meet the guy of their dreams, get some troubles, but in the end be in a relationship and prove their step mums wrong?

Writing style: 12/20

Your writing style is your most fatal flaw. It was really a let down actually. ):

Firstly, too much capitalisation here and there. Your dialogues, especially if the character was screaming, are all in upper caps. For example, from, chapter 1:

"DO YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO JUST, WANDER AROUND THIS DAMNED NEIGHBORHOOD?! HUH?!" she shrieked as she threw a punch at my left cheek and I fell hard on the tiled floor on my back, causing even more pain in my body.

"Do you think it was fine to just wander around this damned neighbourhood without my knowledge?" she shrieked and threw a punch at my left cheek. She might be a woman, but her strength was of a wrestler. I fell hard on the tiled floor right on my back from the impact. My bones pressed against the floor, and the pain stung my entire body.

Use italics if needed to emphasise on certain words. Too much capitalisation makes it uncomfortable for the eyes to read. Bring out more emotions of the 'screamer', to make it seem like she actually screamed.

Secondly, too. much. dots. Why are you using so many dots, especially they're not needed in most parts? I'll totally accept it if it's just 1 or 2 times, but yours is just too repetitive. In chapter 2:

"SSSHHHH...and what do you mean by 'You're going there too'? Hmm? You're going there as well?" I moaned.

"Shush, not so loud, and what do you mean by you're going there as well?" I whispered in a stern tone, still aware of our surroundings.

If you want to make the dialogue seem draggy, add more descriptive verbs or adjectives after the it. Like, "I complained" or "I whined". For the above sentence, your usage of 'I moaned' sounds inappropriate too. Check the meaning for the exact meaning of a moan. (:

These two problems are really too glaring and repetitive, change it. Do not add punctuations like '~'. It makes your fiction sounds more professional and serious. I'm sure you do you read a book whereby an author uses capitalisation or dots as much as you right? Oh yes, and good job on your POVs, you don't change too much, which is good. ^^

Grammar and spelling: 7.5/10

For your grammar, I gave you a 3 out of 5. Sometimes your use of tenses are quite inconsistent. For instance, in chapter 2:

Her silence was not going to last long. "So where are you going then?" she asked again, but this time more quietly.

-

Chapter 1:

But then all of a sudden, the bed sheets on the doorknob were loose and unwrapped itself from my knot, I gasped. The next thing you know I fell flat on my butt.

Suddenly, the bed sheets loosened itself from the doorknob. Before I could let out a gasp, I fell flat on my butt.

-

Foreword/Chapter 3:

Just thinking about it made me sick. So I shook my head in refusal.

If you want to use past tense, stick to it, not changing tense as and when you feel like it. There are several readers out there who are very observant in these kind of mistakes, so do take note. And for the second mistake that I pointed out. Why did you use 'you'? Shouldn't it be, 'the next thing I knew'? If you want to interact with the readers, it seem rather inappropriate using this method. It makes the sentence really awkward. As for the third mistake, try not to start a sentence with 'So', which is a frequent error I have spotted in your fiction. Use 'thus, therefore, resulting'. Sometimes you can even omit it.

For your spelling, I gave you a 4.5 out of 5! No glaring mistake except 1, which was most probably a typo error. In chapter 1:

I put one leg out to see if I'd be comfortable wit the situation that was going on, I wasn't, so I put out the other leg.

Congratulations for the high mark for spelling! :D

Ending: -/10

No ending yet, it won't be counted in.

Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10

I enjoyed your story in overall. ^^ It was entertaining and fun to read. Some confusing parts though.

Total: 61.5/90 = 68.3/100

Don't be too disappointed! You have good ideas, but work on your writing style. Proof read your work more, especially on your grammar. I really enjoyed your story! :D If you improve on the things I mentioned earlier, you'll definitely improve and gain more subscribers. (: Change your title to something more eye catching, which makes people be tempted to click on your fiction. ^^

Well done! :D

Story link

Reviewer: yiling245

Title: 3/5

"Living in a Dream" as the title is sort of okay, but it doesn't actually give away much detail of whatever your story is about. Just by saying it's a dream, no one would actually bother about it. They don't even know what is your story about, so what for waste their time to click and see? They'd rather just skip your story and go on to others. Also, I am certain that I have seen this as many titles on AFF and winglin before. So yeah. A suggestion is that you change the title to something else more relevant and interesting than the current title.

Description & foreword: 7/10

Oh yeah! You used the description and foreword to it's best.

For the description, honestly, you could have made it more interesting though. Well, actually thinking about it, she didn't actually meet Junho did she? She only met him at the end... I think. But your description states that she had met someone special when she has not.

As for the foreword, it was interesting! I myself actually wanted to read the story after I read the foreword itself. BUT. A big nono is the weird and sudden change of point of view. It suddenly switches from a narrator's POV to Kyungmi's POV in the foreword. Readers will obviously get confused. I'll talk more about this in the writing style section.

Plot: 14/15

Wow, you impressed me with your plot originality. If I am not wrong, I most definitely never ever stumbled across a plot like yours. It's interesting how everything is just a dream, and she knows about it. But the thing is, I don't really understand what happened to Daniel. Did he just give up or something? Because at the ending you also didn't really touch on that.

Characterization: 13/15

Generally, the characters don't jump around and have different characters throughout the oneshot, which is good! They are consistent, and made the relationships between Hyuna and Kyungmi really real, and I could actually imagine me doing that with my friends. I was clearly able to get a good grasp of their characters, especially Kyungmi's.Good job for this section!

Writing style: 8/20

Sorry for the low mark. The constant change in non-highlighted point of views really confuse me and sometimes I don't even know what you are writing. As I said in the foreword grading section, it was really difficult to understand what you were writing.

*School was boring as usual. Thank goodness today was the last day.* I walked to my locker to put my text books away. I needed to hurry if I wanted to see Junho.

Daniel was walking by but stopped when he saw Kyungmi. He was glad that he finally saw her today; he needed to talk to her. He walked over smoothly and leaned against the lockers next to hers.

“Hey.” He said. I looked up to see Daniel leaning against the lockers.

Don't you realise that you have just changed from first person to narrative and then first person again?

*School was boring as usual. Thank goodness today was the last day.* I walked to my locker to put my text books away. I needed to hurry as I wanted to see Junho.

Daniel was walking by but stopped when he saw me. He looked glad when he saw me. He walked over smoothly and leaned against the lockers next to mine.

"Hey" He said. I looked up to see Daniel leaning against the lockers.

There you go. Either you can change to that, or just state the point of view. Eg. Narrator's POV.

Another point to make. There are some punctuation errors all over the place.

“You want to go celebrate with me?” Daniel asked smiling at me.

"You want to go celebrate with me?" Daniel asked, smiling at me.

There were awkward sentence structures as well.

His hope rose when he saw a girl with long brown hair tied up.

His hope rose when he saw a girl with a long, brown, ponytail swinging behind her.

This is also weird. You shouldn't have place the person speaking away from the words itself. When Daniel says something, place his name beside his sentence.

“We should have a congratulation party together right?” I offered and Daniel nodded.

“That sounds like a good idea. I’ll even pay. How about it Hyuna?” Hyuna crossed her arms but agreed.

"We should have a congratulation party together, right?" I offered.

Daniel nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. I'll even want to pay. How about it, Hyuna?"

Hyuna crossed her arms but still agreed, nevertheless.

Overall the writing style was seriously confusing especially the changes in views and when someone is speaking.

Grammar & Spelling: 15/15

Kudos to you for this section! Full marks! There were no noticeable grammar or spelling mistakes in your oneshot, so good job on that! J

Ending: 8/10

I liked the ending very much, as I could really expand on it and imagine what happens after that. It's interesting how Junho really appears in real life.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

It was a good read, but overall, it was quite confusing, hence the deducted 3 marks from this section.

Total marks: 75/100

It was a good read, just take note of the changes in POVs and sentence structures.