Story link

Reviewer: yiling245

Title: 3/5

"Living in a Dream" as the title is sort of okay, but it doesn't actually give away much detail of whatever your story is about. Just by saying it's a dream, no one would actually bother about it. They don't even know what is your story about, so what for waste their time to click and see? They'd rather just skip your story and go on to others. Also, I am certain that I have seen this as many titles on AFF and winglin before. So yeah. A suggestion is that you change the title to something else more relevant and interesting than the current title.

Description & foreword: 7/10

Oh yeah! You used the description and foreword to it's best.

For the description, honestly, you could have made it more interesting though. Well, actually thinking about it, she didn't actually meet Junho did she? She only met him at the end... I think. But your description states that she had met someone special when she has not.

As for the foreword, it was interesting! I myself actually wanted to read the story after I read the foreword itself. BUT. A big nono is the weird and sudden change of point of view. It suddenly switches from a narrator's POV to Kyungmi's POV in the foreword. Readers will obviously get confused. I'll talk more about this in the writing style section.

Plot: 14/15

Wow, you impressed me with your plot originality. If I am not wrong, I most definitely never ever stumbled across a plot like yours. It's interesting how everything is just a dream, and she knows about it. But the thing is, I don't really understand what happened to Daniel. Did he just give up or something? Because at the ending you also didn't really touch on that.

Characterization: 13/15

Generally, the characters don't jump around and have different characters throughout the oneshot, which is good! They are consistent, and made the relationships between Hyuna and Kyungmi really real, and I could actually imagine me doing that with my friends. I was clearly able to get a good grasp of their characters, especially Kyungmi's.Good job for this section!

Writing style: 8/20

Sorry for the low mark. The constant change in non-highlighted point of views really confuse me and sometimes I don't even know what you are writing. As I said in the foreword grading section, it was really difficult to understand what you were writing.

*School was boring as usual. Thank goodness today was the last day.* I walked to my locker to put my text books away. I needed to hurry if I wanted to see Junho.

Daniel was walking by but stopped when he saw Kyungmi. He was glad that he finally saw her today; he needed to talk to her. He walked over smoothly and leaned against the lockers next to hers.

“Hey.” He said. I looked up to see Daniel leaning against the lockers.

Don't you realise that you have just changed from first person to narrative and then first person again?

*School was boring as usual. Thank goodness today was the last day.* I walked to my locker to put my text books away. I needed to hurry as I wanted to see Junho.

Daniel was walking by but stopped when he saw me. He looked glad when he saw me. He walked over smoothly and leaned against the lockers next to mine.

"Hey" He said. I looked up to see Daniel leaning against the lockers.

There you go. Either you can change to that, or just state the point of view. Eg. Narrator's POV.

Another point to make. There are some punctuation errors all over the place.

“You want to go celebrate with me?” Daniel asked smiling at me.

"You want to go celebrate with me?" Daniel asked, smiling at me.

There were awkward sentence structures as well.

His hope rose when he saw a girl with long brown hair tied up.

His hope rose when he saw a girl with a long, brown, ponytail swinging behind her.

This is also weird. You shouldn't have place the person speaking away from the words itself. When Daniel says something, place his name beside his sentence.

“We should have a congratulation party together right?” I offered and Daniel nodded.

“That sounds like a good idea. I’ll even pay. How about it Hyuna?” Hyuna crossed her arms but agreed.

"We should have a congratulation party together, right?" I offered.

Daniel nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. I'll even want to pay. How about it, Hyuna?"

Hyuna crossed her arms but still agreed, nevertheless.

Overall the writing style was seriously confusing especially the changes in views and when someone is speaking.

Grammar & Spelling: 15/15

Kudos to you for this section! Full marks! There were no noticeable grammar or spelling mistakes in your oneshot, so good job on that! J

Ending: 8/10

I liked the ending very much, as I could really expand on it and imagine what happens after that. It's interesting how Junho really appears in real life.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

It was a good read, but overall, it was quite confusing, hence the deducted 3 marks from this section.

Total marks: 75/100

It was a good read, just take note of the changes in POVs and sentence structures.