0330 - kimmytea

Story link

Reviewer: yiling245

Title: 2/5

The title 0330 would obviously be lost in the midst of the many fanfictions who most likely have the same title as your story. I actually searched it up on AFF, and there were lots of fanfics with the same title. I would be sure I would have skipped this story if I were to be scrolling through a list of them. And since the title is so cliché like with all the similar titles all over AFF, I don’t like it so here’s a 2.

I know this is a story based on the song itself, but there is no need to actually put the title of the song as the title of your story.

Poster: -/5

There is no poster, so I won’t count this in. But I recommend you to get a poster, because the poster would attract more readers.

Description & foreword: 6/10

I loved your description, by the way, well, only the part where you summarised the story. You did everything a writer should have added into the description, so kudos to you for that! It didn’t give away much, but sadly, it IS a song based story after all, and most readers would have known what happened. I also advise you to scrape away your character charts, since they would have practically given everything away.

There is no foreword. Why did you push everything into just the description? It’s just there, and you didn’t use it for what you were supposed to use it for. Write something related to your story if you don’t know what to write there. Maybe a small little teaser for your audiences would do the trick. All in all, just use it in relation to your story plot.

On a final note, just don’t give away too much in your description and forewords, and use them how they are meant to be used.

Plot: 18/30

For your plot, it is similar to the song, linking it up but also not using everything. Okay, maybe the story has not ended yet, but from the chapters I could see that. And if you actually want it to be identical, I do advise you not to write it out that way, and instead write it out with a twist.

You also linked the loose bits in the story behind the song 0330 together, and that is quite an amazing feat. But the thing is, the bits in between are not that interesting, and you might need some touch ups on that.

Writing style: 10/20

Firstly, why is it Dongho’s point of view when you keep writing ‘you’? I took a really long time trying to figure out what you were writing from the first chapter. You should just delete off the ‘Dongho’s POV’ and just write it normally.

Also, from the start of chapter 4, you stated that it was ‘your POV’ right? But halfway through the chapter, it changes back to ‘you’ instead of ‘I’ again. I think you would have to work on your consistency.

You didn’t have to keep putting the character’s names beside what they are saying. It is irritating, and might as well just put in stuff like:

“Aish, you ask too many questions, let’s just walk!” Soohyun said.

Instead of:

"Aish, you ask to many questions lets just walk!"{Soohyun}

Notice I also corrected you for your mistakes in writing. Do take note of the punctuations, they are important too, and do not just write in dont instead of don’t.

Other corrections include:

Wrong: You noticed not alot of people werent there but that it wasnt exactly empty either so, you pulled Soohyun aside.

Correct: You noticed that not a lot of people were there but it wasn’t exactly empty either, so you pulled Soohyun aside.

The sentence structure was weird, and I don’t understand it. So were there many people or not? I suggest you proofread through your work always after writing.

Wrong: "Its fine Dongho, your ice cream was going to melt so i ate it and bought you a new one, but i wasnt sure if you liked vanilla with fudge or vanilla with strawberry syrup so i bought both."{Soohyun}

Correct: “It’s fine Dongho, your ice cream was going to melt, so I ate it. I bought you a new one, but I wasn’t sure if you liked vanilla with fudge or vanilla with strawberyy syrup, so I bought both.” Soohyun explained.

See, the punctuations are very important for the sentence structure. If you miss out the punctuations, the sentence would sound very awkward.

Wrong: she bit her lower lip which made your heart beat faster.

Correct: She bit her lower lip, and that made your heart beat faster.

Notice the capitalisation. Capitalisations are important because it makes you look more, superior and professional? They make you look neat too, and it is an important part of the sentence.

Spelling/grammar: 7/10

For your grammar, the tenses weren’t consistent at all, fluctuating from past tense to present tense then past tense again. Please check through your work.

For the spelling, it is relatively okay, only with a few errors here and there. Kudos to you for that! ^^

Ending: -/10

There is no ending, so I won’t count that in.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

Overall it was okay, but it was a tad confusing here and there, but I enjoyed it ^^ Thank you!

Total marks: 50/80 = 62.5/100

Overall it was good, but there were some errors which pulled your score down. Thank you for requesting at Rainbow Fountain! ^^