Love Like Oxygen - A_plus_shawol

Story Link

Reviewer: ll0vex3_her

In Love With an Idol - FanFicWriter20
-Inu

-Story Title: 5 out of 5 points. Your title is catchy and it attracts attention. At the same, it gives away what your story is going to be about. It is a good title. It let's reader know that in your story, there will probably be drama.


-Description/Foreword: 4 out of 10 points. Your description is good. It tells what your story is going to be about and at the same time it gives an insight to the personality of your original character. In your foreword, you promoted your other stories and that is fine but the fact that it is big and red can be a problem. After read both, the foreword and description, I couldn't remember what your description said but I remembered you promoting your other stories. The foreword takes attention from your description and you are trying to catch the readers attention for "In Love With an Idol." If they like your story enough, they will check out your other stories without you having to tell them.


-Poster/Appearance/First impression(ex. Font style, color, pics, etc.): 5 out of 10 points. The poster is great. Yet your author's notes keep stealing the attention. Try a simple divider line and a different font or color, what you did in the last chapter you have posted is great. There is no need for you to make the font a bigger size than your actual story. Also you can also use italics for the inner thoughts of the characters.


-Plot: 17 out of 20 points. Your plot is somewhat original yet I am sure I have seen more that a few stories where the main character falls in love with an idol, or where they end up as the neighbor of an idol. This plot has been used over and over again but you gave it a twist. It was a little predictable that your character was in love with someone but again you added a twist to the plot which has set your story apart.


-Character Development and Dialogue: 13 out of 15 points. The way that characterize your characters is interesting. Your original character's personality is well-developed. Your other characters are different. They lack a bit of development.


-Writing Style: 22 out of 25 points. Your style is good yet the macros that you shared interrupt the story instead of helping. If you really did want to share the macros, okay but do it before starting the chapter or at the end. Not in the middle because if can throw off your readers. Your story doesn't seemed rush which is good. Try to use italics or something to point out the character's inner thoughts. For example in chapter 4, you have that the character thinks that,

Oh! Isn't he Taemin? I saw him in the magazine! OMGAH! HE'S EVEN CUTER IN REAL LIFE! I want to pinch his cheeks so badly! No! Ae Ri, restrain yourself! You can't freak people out.

Instead, try 'Oh! Isn't he Taemin? I saw him in the magazine! OMGAH! HE'S EVEN CUTER IN REAL LIFE! I want to pinch his cheeks so badly! No! Ae Ri, restrain yourself! You can't freak people out.'

or use italics. Another thing is that the POV changes are so often and you do distinguish them but I don't think it is enough. As I was reading, I kept forgetting who's POV it was, so aside of having the POV underlined and bold try to make the font bigger and you can highlight it. You could even assign each character a color.


Overall enjoyment: 12 out of 15 points. Your characters lack a bit and seem too exaggerated. For example, Taemin is a five year old on a sugar rush and it can kind of annoying. From there, the story good. You added your own twist and it has good grammar a good writing style.


Total: 78 out of 100 points

Story link

Reviewer: yiling245

Title: 3/5

"Living in a Dream" as the title is sort of okay, but it doesn't actually give away much detail of whatever your story is about. Just by saying it's a dream, no one would actually bother about it. They don't even know what is your story about, so what for waste their time to click and see? They'd rather just skip your story and go on to others. Also, I am certain that I have seen this as many titles on AFF and winglin before. So yeah. A suggestion is that you change the title to something else more relevant and interesting than the current title.

Description & foreword: 7/10

Oh yeah! You used the description and foreword to it's best.

For the description, honestly, you could have made it more interesting though. Well, actually thinking about it, she didn't actually meet Junho did she? She only met him at the end... I think. But your description states that she had met someone special when she has not.

As for the foreword, it was interesting! I myself actually wanted to read the story after I read the foreword itself. BUT. A big nono is the weird and sudden change of point of view. It suddenly switches from a narrator's POV to Kyungmi's POV in the foreword. Readers will obviously get confused. I'll talk more about this in the writing style section.

Plot: 14/15

Wow, you impressed me with your plot originality. If I am not wrong, I most definitely never ever stumbled across a plot like yours. It's interesting how everything is just a dream, and she knows about it. But the thing is, I don't really understand what happened to Daniel. Did he just give up or something? Because at the ending you also didn't really touch on that.

Characterization: 13/15

Generally, the characters don't jump around and have different characters throughout the oneshot, which is good! They are consistent, and made the relationships between Hyuna and Kyungmi really real, and I could actually imagine me doing that with my friends. I was clearly able to get a good grasp of their characters, especially Kyungmi's.Good job for this section!

Writing style: 8/20

Sorry for the low mark. The constant change in non-highlighted point of views really confuse me and sometimes I don't even know what you are writing. As I said in the foreword grading section, it was really difficult to understand what you were writing.

*School was boring as usual. Thank goodness today was the last day.* I walked to my locker to put my text books away. I needed to hurry if I wanted to see Junho.

Daniel was walking by but stopped when he saw Kyungmi. He was glad that he finally saw her today; he needed to talk to her. He walked over smoothly and leaned against the lockers next to hers.

“Hey.” He said. I looked up to see Daniel leaning against the lockers.

Don't you realise that you have just changed from first person to narrative and then first person again?

*School was boring as usual. Thank goodness today was the last day.* I walked to my locker to put my text books away. I needed to hurry as I wanted to see Junho.

Daniel was walking by but stopped when he saw me. He looked glad when he saw me. He walked over smoothly and leaned against the lockers next to mine.

"Hey" He said. I looked up to see Daniel leaning against the lockers.

There you go. Either you can change to that, or just state the point of view. Eg. Narrator's POV.

Another point to make. There are some punctuation errors all over the place.

“You want to go celebrate with me?” Daniel asked smiling at me.

"You want to go celebrate with me?" Daniel asked, smiling at me.

There were awkward sentence structures as well.

His hope rose when he saw a girl with long brown hair tied up.

His hope rose when he saw a girl with a long, brown, ponytail swinging behind her.

This is also weird. You shouldn't have place the person speaking away from the words itself. When Daniel says something, place his name beside his sentence.

“We should have a congratulation party together right?” I offered and Daniel nodded.

“That sounds like a good idea. I’ll even pay. How about it Hyuna?” Hyuna crossed her arms but agreed.

"We should have a congratulation party together, right?" I offered.

Daniel nodded. "That sounds like a good idea. I'll even want to pay. How about it, Hyuna?"

Hyuna crossed her arms but still agreed, nevertheless.

Overall the writing style was seriously confusing especially the changes in views and when someone is speaking.

Grammar & Spelling: 15/15

Kudos to you for this section! Full marks! There were no noticeable grammar or spelling mistakes in your oneshot, so good job on that! J

Ending: 8/10

I liked the ending very much, as I could really expand on it and imagine what happens after that. It's interesting how Junho really appears in real life.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

It was a good read, but overall, it was quite confusing, hence the deducted 3 marks from this section.

Total marks: 75/100

It was a good read, just take note of the changes in POVs and sentence structures.

The Boy The Girl - SSZE_A501

Story link

Reviewer: Describe

Title: 1/5

No offense, but the title is really too cliché. The boy and the girl. Obviously both of them will fall in love and it doesn't really give the readers the idea of what it is going to be about. Just by telling them it's a love story, no one would bother clicking on your story. I suggest you change your title to something more attractive, and with more relevance to the whole story plot. (:

Poster: 3/5

I understand that it is actually not your fault that the poster is like that. However, the quote "Their first impression wasn't good as well as the start of their love began with problems which all started with a disaster", is actually too long. Moreover, it's broken up into two, and put on two separate sides of the whole poster, which made it really difficult to read. Oh also, it's rather ironic that Yoona is at "The Boy" section and Taemin is at "The Girl" section isn't it?

Description & foreword: 8/10

Congratulations on using both of these sections correctly! However, starting off your description with "SHINeef(x)Generation" is really a big turn off. Note that the first few lines of the description will be casted on AFF's homepage together with the title when you update. Once people read your title, they will read the description next. You should just start the description directly with the description isn't it? Also, for the things you need to know section, it's really irrelevant, so maybe you can omit it?

For the characters section in the forward, I really like your layout. (: However you revealed too much about the whole story plot. Now everyone knows who will be ending up with who, leaving not much suspense left in the story. When you leave readers question themselves who are going to end up with each other, you then have succeeded as an author. Oh maybe you can add photos of the characters, let fans of them hyperventilate for a while. xD

Plot: 18/30

I'm really sorry for the low mark, but your plot is really too cliché for my taste. There are a lot of fictions with a girl hating the cold guy at first, but the guy will gradually open up to the girl and they fall in love with each other. With this alone, I would have failed you for this section. Fortunately, you added the Taelli part, which made it of course much more exciting. I strongly suggest you to remove the part at the front about who will end up with who, at it pretty much ruins the whole fiction.

Writing style: 12/20

Is your whole fiction in Yoona's point of view? From what I read it seems to be like it, but some parts really confuse me. For example, in chapter 8:

Minho and Yoona wasn't in the practice room that it was so dark when thhis person turned the light on.

Since it was in Yoona's point of view, it's rather weird that she's actually recounting out her own name. If you want to make it seem like a narrator's point of view, you should add that at the top of the sentence first, in order not to confuse the readers.

Also, you tend to centralise your body, which I don't really mind. However, you will always leave a line spacing after every sentence, which makes in uncomfortable to read. When we read a sentence, we will feel what the character does, and the whole feeling is spoilt when we move our eyes to the next line. For me, I'll read out all the sentences in my brains. With your line spacing, it makes awkward jerks, spoiling the whole flow of the story. I suggest you type your sentences together at only leave a line spacing when starting a new paragraph. (:

And, try to avoid the use of emoticons like -_- as it is not very professional. If you want to express out that feeling and your manage to actually use words to describe it out, you're a true writer. Add more inner thoughts and feelings in your characters. Like when Yoona and Minho kissed:

I felt his lips come into contact with mine, making my body freeze momentarily. Unknowingly, I responded, and kissed him back. It was slow yet heart warming, and I felt my head spinning. Why wasn't I pushing him away from me?

Spelling/grammar: 4/10

I gave your spelling a 2 out of 5. There are actually a lot of glaring spelling mistakes in your fiction. One of the most obvious and repeated mistake is the way you spell 'coming'. In chapter 8:

Original sentence

He saw himself and smiled and then looked down on the floor when at the same time
there was a footstep comming in the practice room.

Amended sentence

He smiled at himself at the mirror, but once hearing footsteps coming from the practice room, he looked down.

Actually, the sentence is still really awkward. I don't really understand, how can you look at yourself while looking down on the floor at the same time? There are also other spelling mistakes here and there, which are probably just some typo. I suggest you type your fiction on Microsoft Word first before updating a chapter. Microsoft Word will underline spelling mistakes, making it easier to amend them.

As for grammar, I also gave you a 2. You changed from present tense to past tense in the same sentence, which made it grammatically incorrect. For example, in chapter 3:

Original sentence

It is my alarm clock, but this one is alittle bit weird... it has some fan looking thing on the clock
which can fly, I rubbed my eyes and hold the alarm clock looking at the time.

Amended sentence

It was my weird flying alarm clock, with a propeller at the top. Rubbing my eyes, I looked at the time.

Notice your change of tenses? The importance of having correct tenses in your fiction is vital, as it actually makes it sound more professional and serious. Readers want to read fictions written by serious authors. There are also various punctuation errors, such as not adding an apostrophe at its. Its and It's is totally different. Fix your sentences and proof read. If English is not your first language, you can get a beta to help you amend your mistakes before posting your chapter.

Ending: -/10

Since there is no ending, it will not be graded.

Overall enjoyment: 5.5/10

I had rather enjoyed reading your fiction, just that some of your awkward sentence structures made it really hard to understand what you were actually trying to say.

Total marks: 51.5/90 = 57.2/100

You are definitely capable of higher marks than this. Your ideas are nice, but it is your language that actually pulled most of your marks down. Want more subscribers? Change your title, proof read your chapters and add more twists here and there. Most importantly, never reveal who is going to end up with who, it ruins the whole thing. ): You have a lot of potential! Work on your fiction, and you'll do well! :D