Love Like Oxygen - A_plus_shawol
Reviewer: ll0vex3_her
Title - 3/10
Well, first thing first, I don't mind the fact about you using the song name as a title...but is there a connection? Every title should be connected to the whole plot of the story. Its a nice story title, but it has absolutely no connection to the story. It seems out of place.
Foreword/Description - 3/10
I really can't deny the fact that I like the foreword. Its nice and everything, I like how you emphasized the bold sentences and the italics sentences. A little quite comedy (I don't know how to explain O_O) but yeah, its nice. However..the foreword had nothing. Normally, you should write a hook at the description to attract your readers, and then write some little parts here and there of your suppose to be plot - like a teaser, so that it can let your readers have the urge to continue. Unfortunately, I did not feel the urge to continue. Instead, it was quite boring.
Plot - 7/15
Well, its not a really unique or original plot is it? The normal clinche plots - where some fangirls met some hot idols and they fell in love. Yeah, definitely a nice fantasy huh? But sadly, this kind of plot is too original. Its even boring. Well, since everyone knows they are definitely going to fall in love - its obvious. Very obvious.
Language - 6/15
The spelling wasn't exactly very fine. Since there are many sentences desperately needed to be rephrased and some missing words here and there - that makes the story / sentences incomplete. And some of the sentences made me quite confused.
Chapter One
First thing first, Taemin is the maknae - everyone knows that, and Key is older than Taemin. Thus, in the Korea culture, anyone younger has to at least call the person older than them oppa / hyung / noona / unnie. Thus, its obvious Taemin should call Key - "hyung". Instead of just his name. Because even on variety shows, you can hear Taemin calling everyone older than him hyung / noonas.
Onew walked over, finally, being the leader of the band
Okay. This sentence is actually confusing because did that mean he finally walked over to Key or did that meant he walked over, finally being the leader of the band? Commas are good, but you used them in the wrong way. It should be:
Onew, being the leader of the band, finally walked over.
You could say that Key was the “motherly” figure out of the five young men, seeing as he was the most caring. A lot of people, when asked, “Who is the most motherly type in SHINee?” say Key.
There there. This is a story. Why is there a "you" in the sentence? It was quite right, apart from sounding weird.
Key was the "motherly" figure out of the five young men, as he was the most caring one.
He still looked either upset or tired…. you really never could tell with him.
I think you was trying to say "neither" instead of "either".
He said, surprisingly enough. He was the youngest of the five, and therefore hadn’t actuallygone out with anyone.
Well, it was suppose to be surprising because Taemin, being the youngest one said that, and he hasn't dated anyone. See, this sentence of mine already corrected your's. Your sentence was wrong, and it gave off the wrong meaning.
Surprisingly, it was him who said it, since he was the youngest of the five which obviously still hasn't gone out with anyone.
Flow - 10/20
The story's flow. Well, it was going relatively well. Although your words and phrases of sentences made things quite confusing. Overall, this part was fine and okay.
Writing Style - 4/10
Yes, it was definitely simple enough to understand. And not to deny the fact that your way of writing was sometimes sarcasticly hilarious at the same time. Yes. However...I can't say I'm not bias, but this type of writing isn't really what I'm looking for. You waste kinda a lot of space with the spaces. You could try describing more and write more so that you could fill up the space, and definitely then, your chapters won't be short anymore! Just spend more time thinking!
Overall Enjoyment - 6/20
Seriously...instead of enjoyment, I can only say I'm reading for the sake of reviewing. Obvious. Because this style of writing isn't my type, and the storyline isn't interesting anyway. If it isn't for SHINee..I reckon there won't be much readers..
Total - 39/100
Labels: review
Wednesday, July 27, 2011 3:45 AM back to top?