In Another Life - KissDromedaGirl
Reviewer: Describe
Title: 3/5
Indeed, it has some relevance to the whole story plot itself, but it doesn't arouse people's curiosity. What happens in the 'other life'? I suggest that you change it to something like 'Two Souls in One' or something like that, I suppose you can choose something even better and with more relevance than it. The title of the fiction is very important as it actually decides whether people actually want to click on it or not.
Poster: -/5
There is no poster, so it will not be counted in, but I suggest you get one soon to attract more readers. ^^
Description and Foreword: 9/10
I absolutely love your description and foreword. A perfect mark for your description! It is not too long nor short, and perfectly fits into the whole story plot, intriguing a reader to read the fiction. Upon reading the description, I got all excited and wanted to read on. Good job on this part! ^^
As for your foreword, I have deducted 1 mark because of some grammar mistakes. I'll elaborate on that further in the later part of the review. Also, you might want to introduce who are the characters in the story like their age and a brief personality description, yet not revealing too much at the same time. Anyway, it is amazing. The cliff hanger at the end is really good, and it makes a reader to actually want to find out more about the whole story. Kudos to you for your high mark!
Characterisation: 7/15
You have stated in your foreword that Alexa is a rebel, but in all of the chapters, I have never seen any rebellious attitudes from her. She's just all nice and confesses to Cheondoong so easily without much hesitation. Shouldn't a rebel have a really poor attitude or something like that? The flow of the character's personality sometimes confuses me. Also, in your fictions, you rarely bring out the inner feelings or thoughts of a characters, making it even harder to understand what he or she is actually thinking.
Your characterisation for Chrissy is better compared to Alexa's. From her crush, I can tell her playful attitude along with it. However, there's still a lot of space for improvement. Work on this! Try to show more feelings from the character, this allows it to be much more realistic.
Plot originality: 14/15
Your plot is one of the most original plots I've ever read, so congratulations! I thought it was going to be really awesome and original by reading the foreword, but it kind of disappointed me as I progressed along the chapters. ): Your development of ideas is quite weak. It would have been nicer and even more exciting if Alexa finds out that she is actually the girl, HyeoYa, and she lost her memory. The whole thing about Hyeoya's soul being in Alexa's body is rather weird and all that, especially when you do not make it realistic enough. Considering this is your first fiction, it is really good. My first was like rubbish. ):
But still, you've got a high mark so yay! Just work on your development of ideas. (:
Writing style: 8/15
This part totally pulls your standard of writing down. It really disappointed me.
Firstly, you rarely add inner feelings and thoughts into a character, as I've mentioned earlier. It makes the whole fiction really dull and emotionless. Humans have feelings, so why don't you write it in? Imagine you are the character, type down how you would actually feel. It will definitely make the reader more engrossed in the story as they can feel the same way as the characters do. If you depict a detailed inner recount, it will make the fiction much more interesting to read.
For example, in chapter 9:
"He didn't hurt you! That fangirl did! He loves you!"
I look at her in shock, "H-He doesn't love me! He loves you!"
She laughs, "I wish he still did."
"He didn't hurt you! It was that fan girl. Gosh, can't you see?" she sighed as she shook her head.
See what? What was she talking about?
"He loves you." her voice was all solemn as she looked at me straight to the eye.
I wanted to laugh out loud. An idol, from MBLAQ, who I had barely talked to, actually likes me?
"Thanks for consoling me, but you didn't have to lie. You know that he loves you!" I replied jokingly.
"I wish he still did." she let out a fake laugh and stared at the floor.
It then hit me. Hard. No, it couldn't be true. This was too confusing. My head was spinning and I simply just could not digest what she was saying.
Be more practical, how can you just simply believe what everybody says? Another example is when Alexa tells everyone about HyeoYa sharing the same body with her, and everyone, except Cheondoong just believes her right away, without any hesitation at all. I mean, will you actually believe if someone told you that in real life said that to you?
Secondly, you use too much dialogues. It makes the whole fiction not like a story, but actually just a plain conversation between a few people. I guess why it seems that there is a lot of dialogues is because of your lack of inner feelings (yes again). So yes, please, add more feelings and thoughts. You'll gain more subscribers this way. (:
Oh yes by the way, you repeated chapter 4 twice, as in double update. Go check on your chapters.
Grammar and Spelling: 4.5/10
For grammar, I have given you a 1.5 out of 5. It was simply just too inconsistent. You tend to use present tense in your fiction, which is not wrong. But then you'll switch to past tense unknowingly, making the sentences grammatically incorrect. People who are very picky about grammar (like me) will find it difficult to actually follow the whole story.
Chapter 6:
He keeps his eyes on me, locked with mine.
He stared at me, locking his eyes with mine.
Chapter 7:
As I was in the middle of a video, someone knocks on my door, then enters, and sits on my bed with me.
As I was watching a video halfway, someone knocked on my door, entered without my permission and sat beside me on the bed.
Why didn't I even lock the door?
There are tons more mistakes out there, and those above are quite minor. However, I have to point this really serious mistake. What's worse is that, you don't seem to know your mistake, because you repeat it almost every single time.
Chapter 9:
"Yeah, you do!" she says, "I'm taking my memory and soul back. Its all you now!"
"Yeah, you do!" she said, "I'm taking my memory and soul back. It's all you and yourself now!"
Foreword:
Its pretty cool. Don't ask how I got the scar, because frankly, I don't want to recall that...accident.
It's pretty cool, but don't ask how I got the scar. I simply do not want to recall that horrible incident.
It's and its. There are completely different. Different meanings, different punctuations. I may sound really harsh, but please, remember this. It's refers to it is, which is the meaning you want to convey most of the time in your fiction. Its, on the other hand, is a personal pronoun, along with 'his', 'her', 'their'. 'Its' is referring to an animal or a non-living object. For instance, its fur is fluffy. It isn't that hard to add that apostrophe to make a sentence sound correct right?
As for spelling, I gave you a 3 of out 5. Few spelling mistakes here and there, they were really glaring.
Chapter 7:
On our way home, not to far from us, a girl and a boy were fighting.
On our way back home, I spotted a couple fighting, not too far from us.
Chapter 8:
I am speachless.
I was speechless.
I suggest you type out your fiction on Microsoft Word, since they'll help you identify spelling and basic grammar mistakes. If not, proof read your work. Don't just skim through, read every single sentence thoroughly. If your English standard is not that good, ask someone who is willing to help you edit your work before you update into your fiction. Some simple errors can be amended easily.
Ending: -/10
No ending, won't be counted in. ^^
Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10
Your ideas are good, but being a picky reader, the grammar and spelling errors were just too glaring. I can hardly feel what the characters do. I really enjoyed your whole plot though, it was an original idea. ^^
Total marks: 53/85 = 62.3/100
Work on your grammar and spelling, add more inner thoughts or feelings. Be more realistic. Your ideas are great, but your language pulls you down. Don't be upset, work hard to get more subscribers by improving yourself! :D I'm sure with your capability, you'll be able to do so. ^^
Good job! :D
Tuesday, July 26, 2011 7:31 AM back to top?