The Boy The Girl - SSZE_A501

Story link

Reviewer: Describe

Title: 1/5

No offense, but the title is really too cliché. The boy and the girl. Obviously both of them will fall in love and it doesn't really give the readers the idea of what it is going to be about. Just by telling them it's a love story, no one would bother clicking on your story. I suggest you change your title to something more attractive, and with more relevance to the whole story plot. (:

Poster: 3/5

I understand that it is actually not your fault that the poster is like that. However, the quote "Their first impression wasn't good as well as the start of their love began with problems which all started with a disaster", is actually too long. Moreover, it's broken up into two, and put on two separate sides of the whole poster, which made it really difficult to read. Oh also, it's rather ironic that Yoona is at "The Boy" section and Taemin is at "The Girl" section isn't it?

Description & foreword: 8/10

Congratulations on using both of these sections correctly! However, starting off your description with "SHINeef(x)Generation" is really a big turn off. Note that the first few lines of the description will be casted on AFF's homepage together with the title when you update. Once people read your title, they will read the description next. You should just start the description directly with the description isn't it? Also, for the things you need to know section, it's really irrelevant, so maybe you can omit it?

For the characters section in the forward, I really like your layout. (: However you revealed too much about the whole story plot. Now everyone knows who will be ending up with who, leaving not much suspense left in the story. When you leave readers question themselves who are going to end up with each other, you then have succeeded as an author. Oh maybe you can add photos of the characters, let fans of them hyperventilate for a while. xD

Plot: 18/30

I'm really sorry for the low mark, but your plot is really too cliché for my taste. There are a lot of fictions with a girl hating the cold guy at first, but the guy will gradually open up to the girl and they fall in love with each other. With this alone, I would have failed you for this section. Fortunately, you added the Taelli part, which made it of course much more exciting. I strongly suggest you to remove the part at the front about who will end up with who, at it pretty much ruins the whole fiction.

Writing style: 12/20

Is your whole fiction in Yoona's point of view? From what I read it seems to be like it, but some parts really confuse me. For example, in chapter 8:

Minho and Yoona wasn't in the practice room that it was so dark when thhis person turned the light on.

Since it was in Yoona's point of view, it's rather weird that she's actually recounting out her own name. If you want to make it seem like a narrator's point of view, you should add that at the top of the sentence first, in order not to confuse the readers.

Also, you tend to centralise your body, which I don't really mind. However, you will always leave a line spacing after every sentence, which makes in uncomfortable to read. When we read a sentence, we will feel what the character does, and the whole feeling is spoilt when we move our eyes to the next line. For me, I'll read out all the sentences in my brains. With your line spacing, it makes awkward jerks, spoiling the whole flow of the story. I suggest you type your sentences together at only leave a line spacing when starting a new paragraph. (:

And, try to avoid the use of emoticons like -_- as it is not very professional. If you want to express out that feeling and your manage to actually use words to describe it out, you're a true writer. Add more inner thoughts and feelings in your characters. Like when Yoona and Minho kissed:

I felt his lips come into contact with mine, making my body freeze momentarily. Unknowingly, I responded, and kissed him back. It was slow yet heart warming, and I felt my head spinning. Why wasn't I pushing him away from me?

Spelling/grammar: 4/10

I gave your spelling a 2 out of 5. There are actually a lot of glaring spelling mistakes in your fiction. One of the most obvious and repeated mistake is the way you spell 'coming'. In chapter 8:

Original sentence

He saw himself and smiled and then looked down on the floor when at the same time
there was a footstep comming in the practice room.

Amended sentence

He smiled at himself at the mirror, but once hearing footsteps coming from the practice room, he looked down.

Actually, the sentence is still really awkward. I don't really understand, how can you look at yourself while looking down on the floor at the same time? There are also other spelling mistakes here and there, which are probably just some typo. I suggest you type your fiction on Microsoft Word first before updating a chapter. Microsoft Word will underline spelling mistakes, making it easier to amend them.

As for grammar, I also gave you a 2. You changed from present tense to past tense in the same sentence, which made it grammatically incorrect. For example, in chapter 3:

Original sentence

It is my alarm clock, but this one is alittle bit weird... it has some fan looking thing on the clock
which can fly, I rubbed my eyes and hold the alarm clock looking at the time.

Amended sentence

It was my weird flying alarm clock, with a propeller at the top. Rubbing my eyes, I looked at the time.

Notice your change of tenses? The importance of having correct tenses in your fiction is vital, as it actually makes it sound more professional and serious. Readers want to read fictions written by serious authors. There are also various punctuation errors, such as not adding an apostrophe at its. Its and It's is totally different. Fix your sentences and proof read. If English is not your first language, you can get a beta to help you amend your mistakes before posting your chapter.

Ending: -/10

Since there is no ending, it will not be graded.

Overall enjoyment: 5.5/10

I had rather enjoyed reading your fiction, just that some of your awkward sentence structures made it really hard to understand what you were actually trying to say.

Total marks: 51.5/90 = 57.2/100

You are definitely capable of higher marks than this. Your ideas are nice, but it is your language that actually pulled most of your marks down. Want more subscribers? Change your title, proof read your chapters and add more twists here and there. Most importantly, never reveal who is going to end up with who, it ruins the whole thing. ): You have a lot of potential! Work on your fiction, and you'll do well! :D