HIM? - ChocoBun

story link

Reviewer: Describe

Title: 2/5

Your title is pretty average, it can almost fit any fictions. There is barely any relevance to the story plot, and it doesn't catch people's attention. Maybe something like "Forced To Marry Key"? At least it has more relevance to the story. A reader will most probably skip your fiction because the title is not unique enough nor it tells him or her anything about your story.

Poster: -/5

There is no poster, it won't be counted in the marks. However, I suggest you get one soon as it plays a major role in attracting readers.

Description & Foreword: 4/10

I have given both your description and foreword 2 marks each. For your description, it's supposed to summarise your plot to give the reader a rough idea on what is going to happen in the story. However, what you have written does not tell much, except that Lee Soo Kyung is a sister, best friend and wife of SHINee. There is no central theme, it does not leave readers wondering who will pair up with who. For instance you could have written,

'Lee Soo Kyung, a sister, best friend and wife of SHINee members. She knew Taemin since childhood. In an arranged marriage by her brother, Onew, Soo Kyung is forced to marry Key. Who knew someone could have so much relations with SHINee? However, what happens when someone else in SHINee, likes her too? What's worse is when Key starts to develop feelings for her, who would Soo Kyung choose?'

Also, avoid adding emoticons like XD, :). I'll touch on that in the later part of the review.

As for your foreword, I think that you don't understand the true purpose of it. You are supposed to type out a short preview of the story, but your preview is simply too short. A perfect foreword is when you have a cliff hanger, and it attracts readers to continue reading your fiction, which your fiction doesn't. Change it to something more intriguing.

Characterisation: 8/15

Your characterisation for Soo Kyung is still okay, because you have maintained her over-reactive and cute personality throughout the story. However, for Key, you did not. Key did not like from the start, and he was rather cold to her. I understand that you want to make him open up to her but your progress is too far. How can he suddenly call her yeobo without even feeling awkward? The progress from cold to warm should be gradual.

Also, you bring out a characters feelings or thoughts, but it's not enough. We readers want to know how your characters feel, in order to feel the same way. If we do not know how the characters think, we can't understand it. Especially for Key, try to bring out his thoughts more. At the beginning of the story, wasn't Key reluctant to the marriage? The progression of his feelings is too awkward and fast. Make it more gradual.

Plot Originality: 9 /15

The whole plot was rather original, but I have seen other few fictions quite similar to this, like being SHINee's sister or wife. I guess your combination of everything made it different from the rest of the fictions. The negative point of your plot is that making another SHINee member fall in love with the fictional girl has made it even more cliche. No worries, though, it's not that bad, just not that outstanding.

Writing Style: 7.5/15

Firstly, as I have mentioned earlier, try not to add emoticons like XD or o.O into your story. It simply ruins the whole professionalism in the fiction. I'm sure you have not read any published books having it right? If you want to express that particular expression, use words. A good writer should have the ability to describe an expression with words well.

Secondly, your word format. You tend to italicize the whole of your flashback, making it very uncomfortable to read. And example is chapter 2, the whole chapter is almost all in italics. If you want to italicize to represent flashback, it is redundant. People will still understand it as flashback. You can change it to another colour though, like grey, if you're still afraid that people will be confused. Same thing with capitalisation, it makes the whole fiction too unprofessional, similar to internet chat speak Remember, you are writing a story, not communicating with a friend. To emphasise on certain words, use italics, but not on the whole sentence or paragraph, or the whole chapter (in your case).

Thirdly, repetition of letters, for example, in chapter 21,

‘Stupidtummystupidstupidstupidtummy!’ I cursed.

"Stupid tummy!" I cursed repeatedly.

“Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! FINE! What do you want?!!” I said, shouting. This guy really knows how to irritate me.

"Ugh, fine. What exactly do you want!?" I shouted at him. This guy is skilled at irritating me.

Again, it is got to do with the professionalism of the fiction.

Fourthly, inject more feelings and emotion to the characters, to make it more real and life like. Readers can then relate to the story and feel the exact same way at the characters. If you manage to achieve that results, you will be able to gain more readers as they can feel more involved in the story.

Chapter 4

“I know, I’m sorry to surprise you with this kind of news in the middle of the night. But, that is just it. You’re the one I trust the most to take care my dongsaeng. Plus, it’s a chance for you to get marry at an early age. I know you’ve always wanted to. And it’s going to be a secret, so you won’t lose any of your Lockets.” I thought about it for a while. It’s kind of true, though. I don’t want to be like Leeteuk hyung. He’s 28 this year, yet still not married.

“When will the wedding be?”

“After a month I tell her about this.”

“Fine, then.”

"I know, I'm really sorry to surprise you with this kind of news in the middle of the-" Before he could finish his sentence, I cut him off.

"Sorry? This is not only surprising, this is simply outrageous. I, Almighty Key, to be married with someone whom I don't even know?" I hissed.

"Please, Key, listen. You're the only one I trust the most. Can't you just do me this one favour?" Onew pleaded, lowering his volume. I looked around, expecting the other members to speak up for me. I was wrong, a few moments of silence ticked by.

"No." I said sternly.

"Please," all of them asked in synchronisation.

I glanced at them again. After all they were my fellow band mates too, I could not just leave them alone.

"I'll consider it." I finally spoke up after what seemed like eternity.

Add a few hesitation here and there. Immediate agreement makes the whole story rather fake and unnatural. Would you agree to the marriage if you were Key? Try putting yourself into his shoes, it'll make the writing process and description more vivid. There are loads more areas you could have put more feelings into it, but you did not, which was disappointing. Work harder on it and you will improve.

Grammar & Spelling: 12/20

For your grammar, I have given you a 3 out of 10. There were simply too much glaring grammar errors. I don't know if English is your first language, but you should really improve on the language. I may sound quite harsh in this aspect, because as a reviewer, I'm particularly strict on grammar. For instance, in chapter 12:

“Unnie, can I take a look how’s my hair now?” She looks hesitant. I narrowed my eyes.

"Unnie, can I take a look at my hair now?" She looked hesitant, causing me to narrow my eyes.

Chapter 6:

I just made a relieved expression like Jinki hyung’s. I’m going to ask her when Jinki hyung’s gone.

I heaved a sigh of relief. I shall ask her when did Jinki hyung leave the house.

Chapter 16:

Jinki oppa’s eyes are gleaming with hope. I smiled and nod.

Jinki oppa's eyes gleamed with hope. I smiled and nodded.

There are still lots more grammar mistakes here and there, but they have a common problem - inconsistent usage of tenses. From present tense to past, and back to present. If you want to use present tense, stick to it. I'm used to using past tense so I've amended the grammar mistakes to past. Proof read your work more, and if there is really a need (which I think so), you should get a beta. She can edit all your grammatical mistakes, and improve your sentence structures. Such glaring mistakes can irritate the reader when reading your story, especially if she is very strict on grammar.

As for spelling, I have given you a 9 out of 10. Good job on this, there are generally not much spelling mistakes, just a few typos here and there.

Chapter 12:

“Just who tells you we’re going somewhere else but here, silly?” her forefinger touch the point of my noise playfully.

"Who told you we're going somewhere? We're already here, silly!" her forefinger touched the point of my nose playfully.

And also, they’ve strengthen my hair so that it will be easier to take care of since my hair is always messy.

Also, to make my hair easier to manage, they had straightened my hair.

I don't know if the above word is meant to be strengthen, but I feel that straighten is more appropriate. Note that your sentence structure is rather awkward too. Anyway, just remember to proof read your work. Check thoroughly, not just skim over it. It'll attract more readers to your story.

Ending: -/5

No ending yet, will not be counted in the marks.

Overall Enjoyment: 6.5/10

The flow of the story is generally okay, quite interest and it gives me a light and happy feeling while reading it. The numerous grammar errors have made it hard for me to actually follow the plot though.

Total: 49/90 = 54.4/100

Don't be too upset with your marks. I may sound harsh, but I really hope that you will improve with this review. Do work on your grammar and writing style! Good job!